Today's Funny

A Little Religion

2007-05-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

Jewish Olympic Swimmer

Church can be hilarious!

May your troubles be less,
may your blessings be more,
and may nothing but happiness
come through your door!

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Golfing Is Fun

2007-04-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

For all of you golfing pros, wanna be golfers, would be golfers, has been golfers, or slap stick lovers, this is for you! Just double click on the arrow in the center of the screen, and watch and laugh!

Old Love

2007-04-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

Old Love

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

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Friendship Week

2007-04-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

I like you because of
who you are to me....
A true friend.

And if I don't get this friendship
back, I'll take the hint.

Tonight, and every night,
your true friends will
realize they like you.

Something good will
happen to you because something
good always happens to you
when you have friends!

It could be anywhere
-- AOL, Yahoo, outside
of school or work, anywhere...so...

Get ready for the
biggest shock of your life!

You have many friends!

Please tell all of
your friends, so that
they know you love them!

Remember:

"A good friend will
come bail you
out of jail....

But a true friend will
be sitting next to you
saying "WE screwed
up, but we had fun!"

I Am Proud To Be
Your Friend!

Make sure you read
all the way down to
the last sentence,
and don't skip ahead.

I've learned....
That life is like a
roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets
to the end, the
faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be
glad God doesn't
give us everything
we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't
buy class or friendship.

I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned....
That under everyone's
hard shell is someone
who wants to be
appreciated
and loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't
do it all in one day
What makes me
think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the
facts does not
change the facts.

I've learned....
That the less time
I have to work,
the more things
I get done.

To all of you.... Make
sure you read all the
way down to the
last sentence.

It's National
Friendship
Week.

Show your friends
how much you care.

Send your love to everyone
you consider a FRIEND!

Even if it means sending
it back to the person
who sent it to you.

If it comes back to you,
then you'll know you
have a circle of friends.

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP
WEEK TO YOU!!!!!!

YOU ARE MY FRIEND
AND I AM HONORED.

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Californians

2007-04-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
You can't remember ... Is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and ArialEthiopian.
You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
You can't remember . .is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
HEY! Is pot illegal???
Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
The Terminator is your governor.
If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.
If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

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Help! Victoria Won't Tell Me Her Secret!

2007-03-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! Yuhang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."

Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Celebrate Womanhood! I shared this with you, my amazingly brilliant and tremendously talented friend who is intelligent enough to call ME their friend :-) !!!

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Success in Marriage

2007-03-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

Success in Marriage

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

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What Is the Difference Between Men and Women

2007-03-08T15:57:00.000-08:00

What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

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Man Laws

2007-03-08T11:02:00.000-08:00

MAN LAWS

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" On Purpose!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere in a hurry, absolutely anything you wear is fine. REALLY!
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

(Hey, ladies, notice the man is dancing by himself!!!....Hmmmm!)

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Redneck 911 Call

2007-03-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

Redneck 911 Call

A couple of redneck hunters are out inthe woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathingand his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

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The Lucky Frog

2007-03-07T13:58:00.000-08:00

The Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, he?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood.

Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

<--"Yeah, right!"

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Purina Diet

2007-03-07T09:22:00.000-08:00

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for our dog Lola and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

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A Father Daughter Talk

2007-03-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."

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Strawberry Fertilizer

2007-03-07T08:20:00.000-08:00

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

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The Blonde and the Circle

2007-03-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

One day a blonde is driving home when she rear-ends a man in his truck. The man stops and yells at her to get out of her car, so she steps out and tries to apologize.

He then draws a circle in the sand and tells her to stand inside and not to step out. He goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, walks over to her car, and smashes in the window.

She begins to giggle, so he looks back at her angrily and tells her to be quiet. Then he starts beating in the hood of her car.

She giggles again, and he turns to her and says, "You're askin' for it, lady!" Then he smashes in her windshield.

By this time the blonde is laughing hysterically, so he looks at her and yells, "What's so funny!?"

She laughs again and replies, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times."

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Dear Tide:

2007-03-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

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Hillbilly's Ten Commandments

2007-02-27T15:49:00.000-08:00

Tennessee Ten Commandments Some people in the South have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language.... no joke, read on...

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)

(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.

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I'm Fine, How Are You?

2007-02-26T16:17:00.000-08:00

YEP, THIS COVERS IT ALL..................

I'm Fine - How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I AM FINE -- HOW ARE YOU?

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Sermonette???

2007-01-30T15:17:00.000-08:00

SERMONETTE???

You can't hide from God.
He knows everything.

Evidence of God's unconditional Love.

After the baptism.

Is that you God?

The true lap dog studying his SS Lesson.

The Devil made me do it. :o)

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The Repair Man and the Parrot

2007-01-30T14:44:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he had ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just laid there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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Cemetery Readings

2007-01-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

A sign at a cemetery reads, 'No Trespassing, Violators Will Face Grave Charges'.

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Doctor Terminology

2007-01-30T12:06:00.000-08:00

Doctor Terminology
(What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: )

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
..

..
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

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"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

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"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
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"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.
The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
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"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

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"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
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"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
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"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
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"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

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"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
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"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
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"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
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"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
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"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
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"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

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"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier than an outhouse rat.
Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
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"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
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"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

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Living Will

2007-01-27T14:41:00.000-08:00

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV

and then threw out my beer.

What happened!!!?
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Cat Heaven

2007-01-26T12:30:00.000-08:00

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.

God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

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Cop Lines

2007-01-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

Cop Lines

"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

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